I am the baby: a comprehensive list of my childhood television counterparts

As I predicted on this blog, after a two-and-a-half hour bus ride yesterday with no bathroom breaks (it is impossible to stand still long enough on that tumultuous drive to squat over that nasty ass toilet sloshing with blue disinfectant at its depths and actually pee into it), I HAVE A U.T.I. Shit. 'Hahaha,' I said before. Who's laughing now? Not me--it hurts too much.

So, in bed snuggling up with my quilt with the air conditioner turned off even though it's 87 degrees out because I have to stave off the chills, I stumbled across this clip of the 1990s television series, Dinosaurs. Marveling at what a masterpiece the show was, I realized how much its star, Baby Sinclair, influenced my personality as a child, which got me thinking about all the other fundamental building blocks of my identity contained in adolescent television programming.

1. Baby Sinclair



The stills from this episode are golden. Baby Sinclair is me as a baby, and yet simultaneously, is my grandmother at her present age incarnate. In the video below, the "GET OUTTA HEYAH" completely captures my grandma's snappy Italian attitude. For further reference, as they both age, my grandmother and Joe Pesci grow more and more alike and will soon converge into one wrinkly, permed, yippy Italian persona.
Sinclair loved to pester people, as I still do. He could have said "daddy" but he repeatedly screamed "not the mamma," to subjugate Earl Sinclair.

Also of note is Sinclair's chemical dependence on sugar, a struggle still relevant to my daily life which I try to make cute. Kind of like this next one's obsession with cookies...

2. Angelica Pickles

Angelica was an only child, which means she was the youngest and oldest at the same time. As the youngest, I never had only-child syndrome, but you could say I also fulfilled that simultaneous youngest-oldest thing because everyone was always telling me I was precocious and beyond my years but I hardly think that demonstrates the responsibility eldest kids inherit. Either way, I could always relate to Angelica's unique role in her family/the notion that it should be protected by preventing any 'additions to the family.' In other words, "I'm the baby" has to be enforced. I liked being the youngest, didn't want a little brother or sister, and wouldn't take any crap about it. Above all, Angelica hated babies, and so did I. When I was little I used to think that my 'real parents' were a king and queen and I was a princess, and Angelica thought this too in one episode. (Then the TV Repairman who operates under a 'home appliance king' gimmick comes and she thinks it's her real daddy coming to retrieve his daughter; it's not all it's cracked up to be and she realizes that she has to come home). I wouldn't say that I made up this fantasy because I saw Angelica do it, but probably from watching so many Disney movies, which likely influenced Angelica, or the writers of Rugrats, as well. I understood early on that Angelica had incredible depth as a character despite all of her textbook flaws that would make her a two-dimensional villain in a normal adolescent cartoon context. But Rugrats was extraordinary enough to captivate me well into prepubescence. Also, like Baby Sinclair, Angelica had an uncanny penchant for cookies, which was hilarious, and I learned a lot of my food humor from watching her maniacally gobble down sweets. She also seemed to have professionalized being a child. My dad is a lawyer and I loved Liar Liar growing up, so the episode where she sues her parents was such a fantasy for me. I always had my stuffed animals and beanie babies sue each other before a jury of toys lined up on an American Girl writing desk bench. I could go on forever about Angelica's power over my personality.


3. The Muppet Babies
When I was three I went to get my IQ test. I had been spending most of my time in my grandparents' rec room watching Muppet Babies on Nickelodeon and they made references to and parodies of Raiders of the Lost Arc, it seemed like, all the time. But when the psychologist showed me an ink blot that looked like a pyramid, I could not remember the word 'pyramid' and told him, "You know, it's one of those ancient temples where they have tombs and mummies." After the test I heard him repeating the phrase "ancient temples" to my mother and I was sure that I had gotten that question terribly wrong, but then they said that I was a genius or something and got to start school early. Thanks, Muppet Babies. You narrated most of my imagined adventures, seconded only to Power Rangers. (I GET TO BE THE PINK RANGER OR ELSE--Okay fine. In the dining room, you're the pink ranger and I'm the yellow ranger. But in the kitchen, I'm the pink ranger and you're the yellow ranger. Fine.).


4. Mr. Anthony DeMartino

Mr. DeMartino taught me that being angry can be funny, particularly when accompanied ridiculous and exaggerated facial expressions. He was constantly frustrated with the intellectual inferiority and lack of enthusiasm of his class, and even when relieved or impressed with Daria's participation and ease with the material, he still seemed pissed at her.

p.s. this was completed long after healing from my bladder infection, but completed quite poorly.